Friends

This post is going to be very honest...I am surprised how much I am willing to open up in this blog, but why not? This blog is a journal to me. So I have been thinking about friendship a lot lately. I have had a few friendships in my life that I have decided for one reason or another, had to go. It took me a while to figure out who I was. In elementary school I tried to fit in with the cool kids, which didn't always work. The popular boy in the class (who was honestly fat and not attractive) would make fun of me one week and then was my boyfriend the next. In junior high I started carpooling with a group of girls who I would spend every weekend with. They were so much fun. Our group of 5 was friends with pretty much everyone at school. This continued into high school. We were popular, I would say. We would eat lunch every day together, but there were a few girls at the table who had joined us who would constantly gossip. I was no saint, I made up a few lies in junior high and smoked pot and drank a little in high school, behind my best friends' backs. I ended up feeling so bad about all of these things that I told them all about it. Still, I did them. I don't regret doing this, I have definitely learned from everything I've done. I'm happy to say that I am now one of the most honest people I know. Honesty seems to get more and more rare all the time. Side note, the kid who tried to make my life hell in elementary school came back some time in junior high and again in high school, begging for me to pay him attention. He told me how pretty I was and how sorry he was for all the dumb things he did when we were kids. Figures, right? The girl with gaps in her teeth who you picked on in grade school grows up to be pretty and you suddenly want her. Anyway, between the ages of about 19 and 22, I did some things I am not proud of but not ashamed of either. I waited until I was 21 to sleep with anyone, which I am proud of. I was in my party girl stage, newly 21 (not like I'm super old or like it was forever ago). The girls I was spending time with were obsessed with their looks, clothes, getting drunk, and guys. Shortly after this party phase began, I started seeing someone and I think my priorities changed. Not that my priorities changed from my friends to my new boyfriend, because I didn'tneed a guy to tell me when I could and couldn't go out with my friends. But the phase that I was at in life changed. I was exhausted after talking only about clothes and telling them they weren't fat. This is when I really started to grow up I think. I also had a little falling out with my mom. We didn't speak for about 2 months because I felt like she had disrespected me (we did make up after I felt like she finally understood me and the boundaries I was putting up and have a better than ever relationship now). I wasn't having it anymore. I decided I was at the age where I needed to take control and decide who to keep in my life and who to weed out. I realized I had the power to create the kind of life I wanted for myself. I went back to school. I got a new job. I really started to see that you have to create happiness for yourself. I feel like I move more in that direction every day. I have the power to decide who (and what) in my life is making it better, and who is not. If you are not, you need to go. So how do I know who is a true friend? Sadly, sometimes it takes a while to realize it when someone is not a good friend. When all you have to offer a conversation is the latest celeb gossip, what clothes you just bought, or how cute some guy is, I don't think you are a real friend. When you don't respect my opinion on something and just want to argue, I don't think you are a real friend. When you tell me I'm no fun because I have a boyfriend. When you tell me you will be at something that is important to me and you don't show because you feel like staying home. When you don't stick up for me. When you say you are there for me no matter what but soon prove that to be untrue. It really is rare to find true friends but when you keep only those who are true friends, you will be so much happier.
It might sound like all of the above is me me me (I'm mostly just venting), but I do know that a friendship is 50/50. You have to put effort into every relationship, especially a friendship. Trust me, I am the most loyal of loyal friends. The same things I expect from a friend, I give wholeheartedly. People who know me tell me all the time that I am a great friend but sometimes I give too much. Sometimes I get my feelings hurt because someone isn't willing to give as much as I am. I have a few friendships that are amazing. There are people in my life that help me grow, make me laugh, email regularly from far away, respect me, call for advice, understand me, accept that we are different (and even embrace it), never put a wall up to me no matter what they may be going through in life, treat me like I am family, and love me. I am so thankful for the relationships I have chosen to keep. These are the relationships that make my life a better place. They are rare and all the more special. Thank you to every one of you who belongs in this category =)